If you are turning 30 this year or you are a few years away from 30, I am almost certain that you have had moments filled with anxiety about getting older. You are not alone because I did too. When I was a few years from 30, I was worried and unhappy. Not so much about life accomplishments because I have done well enough for myself in my career but more in the areas of seeking companionship, my skin, physical health and watching the decline of my youth. I was confronted with the reality that I was losing my youth and will now, unfailingly, become the typical 30-something. Wrinkles had begun to form, aches and pains were creeping up and I mourned the end of some things that I enjoyed doing. I could lift, clean and move around for hours without getting tired. I could party for a long time without needing naps in the afternoon and my hangover recovery was… - what is a hangover in your 20s but a mild discomfort.
But ageing is inevitable and will happen to us all and it eventually happened to me. Today, I am almost a year into being 30 and I am loving it.
Here is why:
I have fewer fucks to give. I am officially an adult with responsibilities and power. I can influence my environment and my community but most importantly, I am confident enough to make decisions that are good for me and bear the consequences. Whatever comes from a decision I make, I carry it with grace and fortitude. And this has made me bold enough to make a choice that is for me and not one to please others or assuage my fears.
I love my body and I actively and intentionally care for it. Not because I want it to look good but because I have become aware of my mortality and how quickly things can change. Caring for myself makes me happier and makes going through life a bit easier. I exercise to be strong and for my mental health, I eat well for my physical and mental health and I try to sleep better to be productive and to cope with stress better.
Getting older came with a desire for relaxation and peace of mind. And you can get a lot of that from a good night’s rest, staying at home and a healthy circle of friends.
With friendships, I have a beautiful set of friends that I have spent time actively nurturing. With them, I feel like I have a soft pillow where I can lie down. Every day, I am learning to appreciate the intimacy of friendship and how this powerful connection with another being can lift you, support you and accompany you through life with kindness, grace, forgiveness and joy.
I no longer have the intensity of my 20s. The fire of resistance and confrontation; the desire to prove, to win, to conquer and to change. What I have gained is the wisdom to choose my battles carefully, exercise patience and be strategic. I can still prove my point but it can be done in a better, firmer and more respectable way.
I embrace my femininity and womanhood. I understand it better now. I recall the awkwardness of my teenage and early adult years. I felt more masculine because of some of my features. I criticised and shamed my form of womanhood because it did not fit with the types I saw celebrated around me. I tried to find ways to change it but I saw that that took me further from my authenticity. Today, I am a woman and my version of womanhood is a genre and it is beautiful. I treat myself with ease and softness through my thoughts, words and actions.
Because of this love and acceptance of my womanhood, I am learning to build a better relationship with my monthly cycle. I study how my body feels during the month and I am learning to make it work for me. My exercise, my emotional health and my workflow have been the better for it. It is still confusing cause recently I was telling a friend that I was not certain if I was tired or PMS-ing but I knew that I was staying in bed and taking it slow that day.
I did not get to these places simply from being 30. They were fruits of intentional self-work that I embarked upon from the age of 23. Iyanla Vazant, my virtual spiritual teacher whose words guided me through my late 20s, on an episode of The Breakfast Club said that women need guidance through the different cycles of their life. What we needed as teenagers was different from what we needed in young adulthood so I have decided to share with you what I have learnt through the ages of girlhood and womanhood that have helped me get to a good enough 30th year.
For my 16 to 20-year-olds: If you have ever had dreadlocks, there is an awkward stage where your locs are neither short nor long. It can frame your face poorly so most times, you prefer to have it hidden in braids or under a cap. You go online and look at images of your dream loc styles to see that yours looks nothing like theirs, and it feels like it is not growing even though it is. This is what this time in your life might feel like. Your brain is learning, pruning, letting go and receiving things. You are still wobbly, still figuring out fitting in with your peers and, for some of you, figuring out family. Your awareness is clearer than before and your emotions are diverse and sometimes, chaotic. Your limbs may not feel right and on some days, you are not sure what is going on with you. What is wrong? What is right? Why are things the way they are? You think you know it all yet you know nothing at all but you want to figure it out. Be at ease and take your time. Your life is only beginning and what you are now is not everything that you will be; it is a foundation. A sense of duty, a set of good habits and personal principles to help you answer the question of what type of person do I want to be are what you need. Become familiar with your emotions; to understand what they are, to have the vocabulary to describe them, to know what makes them and understand why they exist. All you know now is not all you will ever learn but it is part of what you need to know so do not shy away from knowledge. Seek the voices and wisdom of adults including that of your parents. You can find them in books, on the radio, or in a song; it could be the voice of a teacher, or a counsellor. Become familiar with your voice. Where you can not speak, write. Be patient with yourself. This is not your final form. There are more layers of self to be discovered by you.
For my 21 to 25-year-olds, I see this time as a time of pressure and change. Life does not have part two but it gives you many chances at healing and growth. This is one of those ages. You are either in university, a polytechnic or out of school. You might also be working for your parents, learning a trade, or starting your NYSC. If you have not, you might begin to place the expectations of a 30-year-old on your young shoulders saying to yourself and others:
“I'm supposed to…” “I should have…” “I'm meant to…”
Your life as an adult has just begun but you feel as if you are far behind in life. You are out in the world, surrounded by many individuals from diverse backgrounds and the competition and gbas gbos in life is bigger than what you experienced within your family and secondary school. Many things are outside of your control and most things are not going according to plan. You compare yourself with the goals you set for yourself at 18 or you compare yourself with your peers who had a different foundation or experience compared to yours. Breathe. Your brain is not fully formed yet.
An important lesson to heed during this age is accountability. To be an adult is not to have power alone but to be courageous enough to be accountable for it. Accountable to yourself and in varying degrees, to others.
You are learning. Learning about certain inalienable truths - you are not special, money is hard to come by and you’re not sure about what you want or who you are. This is, however, one of the best times to take calculated risks towards finding yourself. Use the audacity of your youth to speak for yourself, make some bold decisions and stick to them. Use your courage to confront parts of yourself that you are not particularly fond of and behaviours you recognise hurt people. Have a sense of responsibility. Start therapy or any mental health care behaviours. You are not behind. You are on your path and it is your responsibility to move forward. Not your parents. You must now begin to create your structure for yourself. From 23-25, a period of dismantling may have begun to take place. Nothing makes sense existentially. What you have seen outside does not seem to fit with what you know on the inside. Cognitive dissonance becomes the companion of the day and do not be surprised if this happens to be your worst year mentally. Transitions into new life cycles, mentally and spiritually can be draining and painful. Change beckons. Dismantle it all. Your frontal lobe is coming together nicely. Your executive functions - planning, working memory, impulse control, and your relationship with time have begun to change. Begin this age with a decision to begin healing work - reflect on your relationship with your parents. If they are still alive at this age, you are fortunate. Begin to heal your inner child. The wounds were cute in your early twenties but now, the impact on your life carries more weight.
For my 26 to 29-year-olds, have you begun to feel a little lighter? Know what that is? It is the amount of fucks you have to give declining steadily.
I have questions: Have you learnt the laws of the world, relationships and yourself? Have you been progressing well on the path of healing, reparenting and self-development? Have you embarked on an intentional journey towards self-awareness? What about practising open and honest communication with others including yourself? Can you stand in the truth of your fuck ups and face the consequences boldly and carry them with grace and forgiveness? Can you celebrate your joys without diminishing them? How have you been learning to deal with loss? Your parents are getting visibly older and by now, the black tax may have increased for some of you. Do you know your parents as people or do you still relate with them as a child?
What about your romantic and platonic relationships? I hope you have close friends in your life. People you can trust and call family. If not, a re-evaluation of yourself as a friend and the types of friends you have will be beneficial. Learn about your patterns of behaviour and treat yourself with softness. The desire for a long-term partnership(s) might begin to seep in and as the desire to create your own family deepens, it can open up wounds around family and trust from your younger years. Sit still and begin to heal. Don’t let the pain and fears of the past stop you from creating joy in your present life. Learn what it takes to stay, to nurture yourself and something else, to grow. Build discipline, and become self-aware. Care for your health - schedule yearly comprehensive health checks and if you are sexually active, have regular sex health checks. Create a set of life principles and personal values for yourself. If you already have one, refine it. Seek honest opinions about yourself from people that love you. You have permission to calm down, to let go of what no longer serves you and allow things to flow at their own pace. Begin to settle into yourself through self-acceptance. What about money? Get online and begin to learn about money cause if you want a sweet 30-something, financial wisdom and stability are where it is at.
I am certain I did not cover many aspects of life so I am opening the floor to you in the comment section to share what lessons have you learnt in your early years leading up to your 30s or to ask the questions you have for the stage/age in life you are at.
Until my next letter, my dear companion, have a soft day.
Be at ease,
A.