Please take a deep breath with me.
*breathes deeply*
Mmm Mmm Mmm, this year drained me 😮💨
2022 was a challenging year for me in a good way. Some of my biggest fears came to pass, and the tears flowed endlessly right beside them. It is any wonder that my tear ducts still work.
They were growing pains. The pain that comes with transitioning into a new phase of your life so that you can see and become more of yourself; so that I could become more of myself.
I think I died many times this year. I felt my heart break many times. I felt pain in my bones and witnessed myself sink into a fever from these growing pains. Shedding old skin can sometimes feel like being ripped apart.
Whatever could have been the situations that caused me to suffer so? Nothing out of the ordinary human experience - seeing ugly sides of myself, losing relationships, running a business in this gaddemn economy, failing, mending relationships, calming intense feelings of anxiety and fear, getting older, being courageous and choosing myself. Just to name a few.
So, in honour of all the hard work that I have put into becoming the person that is writing this letter to you, my dear companion, I have decided to write myself a letter of gratitude and I encourage you to do the same.
This letter is actually my assignment from therapy. My therapist gave it to me around this time last year I think or was it early this year? She wanted me to write a thank you letter to myself celebrating all the work I had done for myself at the time and I did not do it because I felt that I had not done the REAL work that I required for myself. I am happy to say that I have done most of it and your reading this letter is a testimony to that.
Without further ado, join me in celebrating all that I have done for myself this year.
Adanze.
Ada.
Kedu?
I must admit that I find it interesting that you now have the voice and the space to bear your first name. A name that was long associated with a deep sense of self-loathing. Any name but that one. But my dear, look at you. No longer is your name connected to memories of shame and sadness. Ngwa, clap for yourself! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
This year started with pain for you and I must applaud you again for how gracefully you carried yourself through those tough times. Back to back, life was just tossing you around as if you were riding an angry bull, and the things that were causing you pain were things that were out of your control. You handled it by giving yourself and others grace and forgiveness. You looked inward and started to ask yourself how you could change your response to situations that were not within your control instead of panicking and worrying and now, you are better at controlling your reactions and your thoughts. Nne, clap for yourself again. Nice one.👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾😄😄
You asked yourself many questions and one of them that comes to mind right now was the question of how much calmer and softer you could be. You thought you knew the depths of tranquillity. But, bayyybeeee, as I sit here now and write to you, I say you knew little. You are calmer, softer, gentler and more accepting of yourself, others and life. It is a peaceful feeling to not try to control what is not within your control. This was a hard one to learn. Well done, Amanda.
I like how you improved how you communicate your pain, anger and many other uncomfortable emotions. You learnt how to have difficult conversations in your relationships and it has paid off really well because you have loving and honest relationships in your life today.
Speaking of relationships, girl, well done with the active work you put into your friendships this year. Remember how you used to sustain distance in your friendships because you were afraid of fully committing because you were scared that you were not going to be accepted if they saw YOU or that you will be discarded if you made a mistake?
Well, this year you threw that fear in a can!🚮 Say Hello to the princess of learning to repair than discard relationships! You are a more intentional, present and vulnerable friend. You listen better and patiently. And your friends love you! Well done on taking that bold leap into love.
Another conversation that comes to mind is the one on the balcony when you were asked what you thought you needed this year and you said courage then dramatically burst into tears 😂. You were courageous this year. You started this newsletter, you started the podcast, you took two months off NDIDI and, you started practising photography again ☺️. Turning your new apartment into a home took courage. Letting go of what no longer served you, even when it was a part of yourself took courage.
Accepting some ugly parts of yourself was not easy but you did and you forgave yourself. I must commend you on your practice of self-forgiveness 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾. From self-forgiveness, you have learnt to look within and see that sometimes the things you think see in others are what you think of and see in yourself.
You turned 30 this year, Ada. Good job 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 with keeping yourself alive!
I love how with this age, you have come into your womanhood. You are in sync with your body now and not against it. More loving, softer, and kinder in words and actions towards it. You came into your 30s with a new love for self and it truly is a testimony to the work you did in your 20s.
I am proud of you, Adanze. For all that you have done for yourself this year, all the ways that you have grown and given yourself permission to change. For all the ways you have loved and accepted yourself. Daalu!
Next year is going to be a good year for you.
I dare say, I am quite proud of myself. What about you?
With love,
A
I’m never going to get tired of saying thank you for always writing and sharing your thoughts with the world. Thank you Amanda 🤗
This year was a great year for me. I started this year with a knowing that I wanted to feel and look. Feel and look you ask me? Yes. I wanted to allow myself feel every emotions without trying to be oblivious and also look, look in the sense that, I have the courage to do what needs to be done and when it should be done and looking back from January till now, I will say that, I have done well for myself, with the grace of God.
I love the woman I am constantly evolving into. The kind of friendship that have. My career is doing well for the level that I am on. All these is without ups and downs but ultimately, life has been great and with life, there’s hope for more.
Going into next year, I’m open to being a better version of the person I am now and to be this, I have to be willing to put in the work where and when necessary.
Looking forward to reading and hearing from you next year. Compliments of the season, Amanda. Enjoy!