i never thought i deserved as much attention as i have paid myself these past 30 days.
yep! that's a fucking long title.
I bet you thought I was gone, huh?
You must have thought that I was going through a rut.
Nay nay, my dear. I was intentionally experiencing an experience that I will now proceed to encourage you to experience for yourself.
August was a beautiful month, as it always is. Some sunny days, some cold days and my birthday. It was lovely but during the latter part of the month, there was a day when I was overwhelmed that, I swear, I felt my brain crack a little. Thankfully, during the last days of August, I spent my time in the silence of IITA in Ibadan. The quiet, the trees, the beautiful architecture, the pond, the sun, the companion and the train ride all worked together in my favour to offer me many moments for quiet reflection and self-companionship; space to ask myself this good question: How are you doing, Amanda? Kedu?
My inquiry about my state of being brought me to the path of practising a 30-day self-love exercise that I had created for NDIDI. With how busy life had been for me even before August, I had taken little time to reflect on my well-being: mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I was not working out, I was not reading, to cut a long story short, I was not taking care of myself. I was focused on getting by each day and doing what was necessary to eat, sleep and love but I was not thriving.
So when I returned from IITA, with the awareness gained from my moments of self-reflection, I sat on my bed and intentionally planned to be good to myself in September. Around this same time,a friend had ordered the self-love practice sheet and it sparked the thought to myself that since my aim this September was to love myself then I might as well use this work that I had designed. Plus, if I am going to tell other people to buy it, I needed to test it to see if it worked.
What would happen if, for 30 days, I chose to do a thing each day that was focused on making me feel good about myself? Would I love myself more? What was that reality like? Don’t I already love myself enough so how much more deep can this exercise take me? When I was designing the self-love practice, what I was looking for were things that were soft and active; easy tasks that you could accomplish and that fed the soul therefore another question that came up was that was this self-love practice exercise going to be as effective as I designed it to be?
What did I have to lose from spending 30 days being kind to myself? Nothing. The flip side was to continue to ignore myself and complain about it and I am tired of complaining to myself about myself. It’s boring now so I did it!
Let me take you on my 30 day self-love practice journey!
Day 1 - 3: Huh? I was doing what? 😂 I forgot what I was supposed to be doing but I figured out that accessing the sheet easily was necessary to keep me on track so I opened the file, screen shotted a couple of days and turned it into my wall paper.
Day 4 - 6: I found me questioning myself - “Do I really want to do this? I already do some of this shit.” On Day 5, I don’t even remember if I looked at my phone. Then on Day 6, I talked myself into being intentional about this journey that I had chosen to embark on so before bed, I looked at what was expected of me for Day 7 and began to recite it to myself.
Day 7: The task of this day has stuck with me till today. All day, on this day, I had to consciously speak positively to my body. Even when I felt negative thoughts about my body descending into my consciousness, I’d remind myself of the task and acknowledge the negative thought while supporting it with something positive. This exercise opened up my heart and mind to learning the lesson that working out is an act of self love for the body. Not just to look good and toned but to take care of this physical body. I started working out religiously again by the thrid week of September. Today, I feel stronger and comfortable in my skin.
Day 11: This was a fun day! I had to walk slowly. While doing this exercise, I realised that I unconsciously put pressure on myself to walk quickly and anxiously even in my own apartment.
“Amanda, why are you running?”
Walking slowly taught me that there was time to get to where I needed to get to.
“Slow down, Amanda”
The slower pace gave me space to take deep breaths,to allow myself be calm and easy, to be gentle with myself and treat myself with care.
Day 17: Answering the question for day 17 brought me to a place where I had to see clearly the need to let go of friendships that I wanted to be deeper but were not giving that energy, and carry that energy into friendships where people were literally in front of me offering meaningful, soft connection. I began to see the value of simply texting a friend to check up on them and wish them a good day.
Day 20: This day felt soft and kind because I gave myself permission to make mistakes. I was not hard on myself as I usually am. I felt freerer and lighter and more accepting. This day really connected with my inner child. On this day, I did not need to be perfect at all.
Day 22: The activities that occurred in my life on this day were chaotic BUT I had the task of wearing something that made me feel good about my body. Even though I was having a stressful night, which, in hind sight, was fun still, I felt confident and sexy in my body through it all. I loved how what I wore made me feel.
Day 30: Today is the last day and I am to pay a stranger a compliment. Unfortunately, I have been indoors all day and I have met no strangers so I am dedicating this day to all the first-time readers. I am searching in my heart for the compliment that touches all and what comes to mind and heart is that you, you reading this newsletter for the first time, you have a lovely smile. Think I’m lying, go and smile at yourself in the mirror and tell me that seeing your smile did not make you smile or blush a little.
To answer the questions I started this exercise with:
What would happen if, for 30 days, I chose to do a thing each day that was focused on making me feel good about myself?
Honestly, I feel warmer inside towards myself. I know how to take care of myself, how to make myself feel good in gentler, softer ways.
Would I love myself more?
Yes, I love myself more. For 30 days, I have been the focus of my own thoughts. I have spent time thinking about my own well-being from a positive perspective instead of worrying about what other people are thinking or what they are thinking about me. I have never in my life paid this much attention to myself consistently. I never thought that I needed that much attention from myself and seeing it, living in it was a soft and necessary experience.
What was that reality like?
To sum it up in one sentence, I did not know that I had that much love to give to myself.
Don’t I already love myself enough so how much more deep can this exercise take me?
It took me deeper into myself through daily practice of kindness. As it ended, I found myself craving more days and mourning the end of the exercise. I did not understand how much love from myself I needed to give myself, how much kinder I could be to myself, that I could be the creator of joy in my life through simple daily practices. Talking the talk is easy but walking the walk truly changes you.
Was this self-love practice exercise going to be as effective as I designed it to be?
Yes, it was. For me.
Am I encouraging you to try the 30 day self-love exercise?
Yes, I am. Truly, what do you have to lose from being kind to yourself for 30 days? Maybe some of that self-loathing and aggression.
Who knows 🤷🏽♀️?
You can purchase a copy of the self-love practice here - 30 day self-love exercise
Before you dip, I have a question! I have been thinking about hosting a live gathering where we bring food and drinks to share and talk about some life shit like grief, sex, money, food, friendships , getting older etc.
Cheers,
A.