Hello, my fair companion!
How are you doing?
I know, I know, I am supposed to send you letters weekly and it has been more than two weeks since you received my last letter but hear me out because I have a good reason—actually, reasons.
I have been writing. In fact, I have written two letters to you that are sat in my drafts. But anytime I think of sending them, they just did not seem like the right subject to share with you so I have been holding out until I write something that my heart says yes to and if you know anything about life, you know that you should follow your heart.
The other reason was that I needed some time to settle into myself after the last letter I wrote about money. It was a vulnerable piece and I got a lot of helpful feedback that changed my perspective of myself and my life. I needed a break from writing to adjust and accommodate this new way of being before I could churn out anything new.
Thank you for being patient with me sha. Best believe that I am excited to be writing this new letter to you even though it has taken a while to send.
But, before I get into today’s subject, let us do a quick vibe check:
Now, let’s get into the koko of this letter.
Growing up in a “typical” Nigerian family comes with the experience of a kind of love, a kind of pain, a kind of fear and a kind of a shame. For some, family feels like an eternal burden, an endless source of anger or fear. It feels like limitations, pressure, feeling stuck, misery, and hate. For some others, family is life and the source of joy and love. It is support, warmth, connection, intimacy; a place of peace and security. A calming space that offers love and acceptance.
One of the important and impactful relationships that family life offers us is the relationship we have with our parents whether they were present, absent or negligent.
I recall watching an episode of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt where Tina Fey’s character who was a therapist with a drinking problem said:
“Daytime-me is like ‘This is a process, this takes time,’ but actually it’s always the parents.”
😂😂 It is really funny to me because, in my line of work, most of the cases I treat are rooted in some childhood trauma caused by the parents. Most, not all.
Our communication and love patterns with friends and romantic partners, feelings about ourselves and how we believe other people perceive us are influenced by the relationship we develop with our parents. They instil in us our sense of worth, our identity and our value systems; they contribute to the belief systems we hold - social, cultural, political, financial, spiritual, and the coping skills that we learn as we age. The environment within which they raise us influences how our personalities are shaped and an exciting thing I have learnt in the past month is that attitudes are heritable so we are in some ways our parents simply by being born by them. It is both nature and nurture.
Many of us had shitty childhoods, and I say many because the parenting culture in Nigeria is obviously not always focused on growth, it is focused on control.
Rather than “How can I help my child discover themselves so that they can learn to make the best decisions for themselves?”, we have “How can I make my child into what I know is best for them?”
I see the physical abuse in the name of discipline, emotional neglect and abuse in the name of love; the spiritual abuse that breeds shame, guilt and fear within the heart of children and the financial neglect and abuse that leave adults confused and scared of money. Verbal abuse is rife and is sometimes the instant response that people have to their children’s behaviour that they find unpleasant.
It is hard to be a parent though, truly, it is. Kids can be annoying. I know, I am someone’s child but I have to be honest and say that more Nigerian parents than not really suck at it.
Can I really blame them?
We learn to parent like we learn how to work using the Igbo apprenticeship system. Those who were here before us tell us what they have done or we go with our instincts. Coupled with the other stressors that come with adulthood, parenting is especially hard and you do not get a hard drive update with parenting skills 3.0 installed and upgraded once you birth or parent a child. That sucks.
However, the purpose of this letter is to share with you some lessons that I have learnt over the years about loving and leaving Nigerian parents. My hope is that my words may provide succour to you or someone else as they work through their difficult relationship with their parents.
It is okay to say you hate your parents. Not to their faces but in your journal or while ranting to a close friend. You are not a terrible person for admitting that you feel that way. You are not a bad child or ungrateful. Your parents are human just like you and they can be assholes.
You do not owe your parents for raising you. Your existence was a choice that they made. You did not ask to be here. Whether they made that decision consciously or not is for them and their therapist to figure out. What you can feel towards them is gratitude. Gratitude operates from a place of abundance. Debt on the other hand is like a hole that can never be filled.
If your well-being - physical, mental, and/or spiritual, is being harmed by your parents; leave if you can or start making plans to leave. I have heard people tell me that they are scared of leaving because if they leave they will never come back. Yes, that might happen and sometimes, it is for the best. Some other times, the distance shows you another way of loving them.
You are not a bad person or ungrateful or selfish or wicked for cutting your parents off if your relationship with them is unhealthy. Do it. Establish your boundaries and be firm with them. There is grief that follows after this but I encourage you to do it if you have come to a conclusion that it is necessary.
Do not let anyone guilt, shame or scare you into having a relationship with a parent or parents that are emotionally dysfunctional. Just because they are your parents does not mean that they are always working towards your best interest. You can be grateful for the work they did to raise you but maintain your distance for your safety.
At some point, you must accept your parents for who they are. They will never be like the parents you saw on Disney that could have difficult conversations about emotions and reactions with their children. You must grieve the loss of the parents that you will never have and the relationship you will never have with them so that you can see the bird in your hand clearly. Ask Bojack Horseman in Season 5 Episode 6.
You are not weird or crazy for being upset that the parent you disliked strongly died without you being able to tell them how much they hurt you. If you are wondering if you will ever be able to let go of the pain, yes, you can heal from it. I have seen it happen.
If your parents are alive and you have the guts to do so, call them out on their bull shit. I highly encourage it. For your inner child and for your parents’ respect.
Know that as a Nigerian child, respect is not given. It is taken and earned. There are milestones that you need to achieve that earns you respect and there are moments where you take respect by putting your foot down firmly.
Give your voice within your family system strength. Speak your truth.
Learn about your family history. Your parents might be mentally ill and so could you. It is hereditary. Remember what I said before? Your environment shapes you as well. If your parent has an anxiety disorder, there is a 30 to 67% chance that you are getting one of those too. Might not be the exact one they have but you’ll get something alright.
If and when you can or are ready to, forgive your parents. It will take years of space and therapy for many of us to get to this place of forgiveness but when the time comes, lean into it.
If you feel that you cannot and will never forgive them, that is fine too. As long as it does not continue to eat you up inside which I think it will because forgiveness is not about them. It is about you.
To forgive requires empathy and understanding. Your parents are human, and even in their wickedness and selfishness, they were doing their best. For some of our parents, their best really sucked. They were consumed by their own distortions and anger that they fucked up really bad. To forgive, you must allow yourself to feel the depth of your anger and sadness.
Cut them some slack. Honestly, cut them some slack. The older I get, the more grateful I am for my parents. Seeing how tough adult life can be, I understand some of their actions and reactions. They needed hugs.
Learn about what made your parents who they were and look for it in your own life. We do become our parents and if we do not make the effort to understand our origin stories, no matter how much we say we are not going to be our parents, the deficiencies that caused them to hurt us might be deficient in us as well and turn us into the very thing we despise in them. Trust me, I saw it in myself when I had cats and the cognitive dissonance was wild.
Learn to communicate with your parents. Practice communicating calmly what your satisfactions and dissatisfactions are. Even if they are not comfortable with it, speak to them with love. Not just because they “deserve” it but because it is who you are or at least, who you are becoming.
Learn to take responsibility for your reactions to their actions. Honestly, after some time, the “it is my parents’ fault” gets old if it is not followed with growth. Make the effort to not be an asshole. Two assholes don’t make a right.
Whatever your parents could not give to you, give to yourself. Attention, patience, kind words, acceptance, validation. Allow love, warmth, intimacy, and vulnerability into your life. Your parents are not the only ones in this world who can love you for you so the absence of their “love and acceptance” is not a condemnation of you.
Reduce how much of their validation you seek and need. It’s okay if they do not like some things about you or agree with some decisions that you make. They do not have to. If you are fortunate, they will still be supportive even though they do not agree or understand. If they do not, it is what it is. Remind yourself that it is something that matters to you.
Have good, healthy and loving relationships outside your family. It helps as you try to heal from your childhood. You need a new template for what love and security can be or feel or look like.
It’s okay if you still live with your parents. It is good to have your own place and experience the growth that comes with being responsible for your own well-being but if you have a happier and more comfortable life with your parents, enjoy it. You will be grateful for it. Use the time wisely. Get to know them, save up some cash, and grow yourself.
You are living in their house rent-free. You are an adult. Whether you have a job or not, contribute to the household. Contribute to its maintenance. Buy fuel, clean it up, and cook sometimes. Think of it as your own rent. If you already do that but you don’t get enough breaks, structure your day so that you can create breaks for yourself in between. Ask for help.
Respect their house rules. It is your house too but it is more theirs. You have your own rights but respect theirs too. Especially as your needs as an adult grow and change.
Have difficult conversations with your parents. Yep!
Set your boundaries and begin to enforce them. Learn to talk back politely. Communicate better so you can insist on your boundaries clearly and defend them. Remember, with Nigerian parents, respect is not always earned, sometimes, it is taken with gentle respectful force.
Step into the power of your adulthood. You have power. You can make the right decisions for yourself. You are not that five-year-old child anymore. You can confront issues and speak up for yourself.
You don’t have to have kids. Really, some Nigerians are not meant to have children. Parenting is not your thing and that is okay. You and that unborn child are better for it. Nurture something else. Animals, plants, a car, a business etc. Just leave the parenting to people who want to be parents. I have met people like that. Trust me, it is a different vibe entirely. They really like children and have shiny eyes when they talk about parenting.
You are most likely going to parent like your parents did if you decide to have kids but you can change that by seeing it for what it is. Do for yourself what your parents could not do for themselves to help them be better parents. Go to therapy to figure out your childhood and learn better ways of parenting. It is hard but with conscious effort, you can grow and have the loving family you dreamt of or saw on Disney TV when you were younger.
I don’t know what else to say because any further point I make will be a repetition of what I have said before. It is quite fitting that the song I am listening to while I write the end of this letter is about childhood and parents. Sweet.
I bid you farewell, my dear companion. Leave a comment telling me about your take on parenting, childhood and traumas. Maybe share your own personal experiences or ask me questions about navigating tricky situations with your parents. I am no sage but I know a few things.
Until my next letter to you, take good care of yourself.
Love,
A.
I've never had a healthy relationship with my mom, I can't even stay on the phone with her for 2 mins. cos frankly, there's nothing to talk about, we have nothing in common.
It's been like that since my childhood days. I was always reserved, and loved being alone, but was constantly forced to interact with the rest of the family. I wasn't weird, I was just introverted. But she'd never understand.
But that's by the way.
I'm lucky because I found a mother somewhere else. My best friends mom.
She's everything I always looked for in a mom, and the closest thing to my ideal definition of a mothers love that Ive felt all my life. She took me in and treated me like one of her own, Until I left her house in 2017 to be on my own. God keep her for me.
I Love my mom still, and I'm working actively on forgiving her completely. It's tough, but I'm trying.
I concluded that we probably won't have that relationship I always hoped for, But I'd keep her as close as I can at least. God help me.
Thank you so much Amanda, this letter is very timely. I have been thinking a lot and trying to figure things out about myself lately, a lot can be traced to my childhood. I've not had the best relationship with my parents and I am working on having those difficult conversations with them.