Last week, as I pondered what to write about this new week, I recalled a conversation I had with a loved one.
We were talking about love and love languages. Hol’ up! Wait, don’t click off yet. I know it is cliché to talk about love languages these days but hear me out.
The conversation did not go down the typical path of What is your love language rather it involved us asking and answering the following questions:
What do I do that makes you feel like this woman loves me?
What do you do to let me know that you love me?
In simpler terms, how do you show love and receive love?
This isn’t a question for lovers alone. Ask your friends and family. Have this conversation with your loved ones.
Before you do, I suggest taking the time to reflect on what love means to you. What do you think or feel when love comes to your heart or mind?
For me, love feels like safety and trust. I don’t fear being hurt by or hurting the one I love because I know that it isn’t intentional or malicious. There will be room in my heart for repair and restoration for you. It feels like you are rooting for my best interest and well-being even when sharing might be difficult. Love, for me, is big in the mundane things.
Like when the loved one I was speaking with makes me breakfast and hands it to me while I’m in a therapy session; when she is close to where I am and offers to pick me up so we can go home together, and when she helps me with chores in my apartment. It is when my friends make space for my vulnerability and reassure me; when they remind me of who I am, compliment me or introduce me to their family. All these moments ring as “wow, this person loves me”.
An interesting thing I have been reminded of this week is that because a person is not showing you love in a language that you can understand or in a way that you desire, it does not mean that they do not love you.
When I was listening to this loved one tell me about the things I do that make her feel loved, it was surprising because those were things that would not have signified love to me but to her, what she was seeing was I love you.
You cannot control how people show you love. The best you can get is a blend: a bit of how they say I love you and a bit of how you hear I love you. If you focus on receiving love only when it is expressed in a language you understand, you might feel like a cup half empty, i.e. knowing somewhere that they love you but not feeling or seeing it. This is why it is important to understand how other people say or show their love for you.
So, my dear companion, I leave you with this: sit with yourself and answer the questions that I asked earlier. Better still, answer it with who you are celebrating Valentine’s Day with today. Do this to broaden your “love vocabulary” in that relationship. Go deeper to understand the specific words and actions that communicate love.
Have a love-filled day!
Happy Valentine’s Day!
With love always,
A.