postponing joy

how many future life goals boards do you have on pinterest? don't be shy.

illustration by Mike Medaglia

Do I need a lot of stuff to make me happy?

What is enough when it comes to wealth and property?

Must all my purchases become income producers? Why can’t I have something just to enjoy rather than for it to acquire more? Must every expenditure be a financial investment?

I’d find myself thinking and fantasizing about buying land or a home in Ibadan and Enugu but my next thought would be that they were not financially viable expenses. Good advice but what if I just want a home in a city I like so that I can relax or retire there and not because it has the potential to make me richer?

When is it enough? When can I begin to make room for joy in all my hard work? Is the purpose of the money earned not to provide some degree of ease and comfort in the present time as much as it is for my future comfort?

I don’t know.

Anyways, my darling companion, let me greet you properly.

Kedu?

As for me, at this moment, I am having a “well, that’s something to think about” moment and I want to share it with you.

There was a period in my life when my Tumblr feed was filled with beautiful, luxurious shit. Pictures of fine dining meals, peaceful, clean architecture, beautiful Black and African women, quotes about upgrading one’s self-love and self-worth, embracing your femininity, and beautiful houses. It was (and still is) glorious! It was my space for dreaming about the life that I wanted to live when I become wealthy enough to afford those experiences. They gave me strength, motivation, belief in my own capacity, and hope which you need a lot of if you are living in Nigeria. Lately, I have begun to feel disconnected from these images and the feelings they offered. I even stopped going on Tumblr. They did not provide me as much joy and as much hope as they used to and I have been thinking about it deeply for some time to understand why.

I think I figured out why which is what I intend to share with you.

I got tired of dreaming.

It does get exhausting to continuously look outside the window toward a brighter future, waiting for joy, waiting for tranquillity, just waiting. It takes energy to hope but how long will I spend being a dreamer?

Looking at some of the images I posted, I had to be honest with myself and admit that it will take some time before I am able to afford that hotel with that view with that glass of champagne in that country or city. Beyond that, I began to realize that I did not even know if I wanted to go to that hotel. It was nice and sexy to look at but did that mean that that was what I wanted?

For some of the posts, no, not really.

What I really wanted was the feeling that came from the experience of going to a nice space like that one.

So far, I have resolved to create the life I want in the now because I can’t keep hoping or longing for a happier, softer life through Pinterest boards and Tumblr reposts while my real life actually passes me by. What if I die tomorrow? I can’t keep tying my joy and happiness to future possibilities.

The thought of being in that $4000 a night hotel brings me feelings of comfort, being pampered, and a good night’s rest. How can I create that feeling with what I can afford today? I don’t want to be postponing my joy for a life that I hope to have that I am not even sure I will be alive to see so let me enjoy the one that I have right now.

My dear companion, keep your Pinterest boards. I plan to keep mine. Let us revisit and update them regularly because they carry within them the seeds of the feelings that we want in our daily lives. After that, we shall carry those feelings and possibilities and plant them in our present time.

Me, I’m done postponing joy.

With love,

A.