what makes you the perfect vessel for pain?
you people-pleaser, you! stop it.
Hello there, my dearest companion! It has been a while.
How have you been keeping? Tell me.
The decision to write this letter to you about being a vessel of pain was made last year, but putting pen to paper or fingers to keyboard in this instance has been challenging. It may also have been worsened by the sometimes ridiculous pressures I place on myself, branded as seeking perfection and progress in writing. Whatever the reason, this letter is being written today.
May feels hopeful, and May feels clean. It is not because of the newness of the month for me, but rather it is the weather and the season. The rainy season has kicked into gear with frequent downpours, and we welcome cloudy days. The rain washes the dust of harmattan and cools down the heat from the sun on hot days. It feels like a bath for the earth, and you can tap into that spirit to allow old ways to be washed away from your being.
One of these old ways is believing that you are a fitting vessel for pain. This thought occurred to me during a week when I had had conversations with people who would be unable to tolerate a loved one being in pain or discomfort so much so that it causes them misery and they are willing to sacrifice something for this cause but are willing to tolerate being in great amounts of stress and pain even when they are caused by the loved one that they care and sacrifice for.
Why? Here were some reasons:
“I can handle it”
“I will be fine”
“It is just easier if it is me and not them because they will…”
“At least, I can just end it there, cause if I bring up my discomfort, it will cause *insert negative experience here*”
Further conversation always revealed scenarios, such as a childhood where they felt responsible for a caregiver’s or significant adult’s emotions, experienced bullying, verbal abuse, and physical abuse.
There may have been experiences in your life where you have had to tolerate a significant amount of pain for a long time or a short yet intense period. Now, it has caused you to walk through life unconsciously camping in relationships and connections where you manage and tolerate as opposed to asking for more for yourself, from yourself and others. You find it difficult to recognise that you have the power to walk away and cope with the pain of loss, and to give yourself a chance to recognise what better looks like from you and others, so you stay.
Funny how, when you find a place of love, it can be scary because it is new and requires a set of skills that you are not familiar with and being present with feelings, and experiences that trigger fear and panic as opposed to warmth and comfort. Feelings and experiences like vulnerability, trust, intimacy, affection, forgiveness, consideration, and calmness.
If you are observant, you may have seen how you run when people hold space for your feelings and make space for you to talk. When the light shines on you, you hide, but you will hold the torch all night for a friend or a loved one.
Do you not deserve the love and softness that you give out so freely to others?
I leave you with two things:
Something to say - “I am not a vessel for receiving and storing pain”
Something to do - Validate your feelings.
I will write to you soon, my dear.
With love always,
A.