adult friendships = possibly forever alone
the friendship you seek is in your unread WhatsApp messages
Honest to God, hand to chest, scout’s honor, do you have friends?
Real friends.
People that you do not have to perform in front of, that allow you to express the range of your emotions and call out you on your own bull shit while simultaneously telling you that they love you?
People you can disagree with, lose your intimacy with, and consciously work towards rekindling your connection again through intentional work, forgiveness, empathy, and understanding because you value them and they value you?
Do you really have friends or are they just people you know?
Have you been confusing acquaintances with friendships? Keeping around people that make you feel good even when they are not good for you?
Hmmm?
If you don’t have friends, have you been plugging your emptiness and loneliness with lovers and lovers and lovers and lovers because you have few places where you allow yourself to be truly seen and vulnerable?
Just asking, you know, as a concerned citizen. 👀
But that’s not the reason for this letter, my companion. This letter is to write about one of the sad parts of adult friendships.
WHY THE FUCK IS IT HARD TO MAKE FRIENDS AS AN ADULT?
I turn thirty in a month and a few days and during this last year of my 20s, I found myself wanting older friends. Older female friends who are well into their 30s and 40s, and have a better understanding of how this life shit works cause, trust me, some wisdom comes with age and experience.
That’s how I went on a friendship date with this lovely lady o! This was after I asked her if she wanted to hang and she said yes. We went to a nice restaurant, ate, laughed, and walked from the restaurant to the front of her estate gate. You know, now that I think about it, did she think it was a date? Hay God!
Anyways, I didn’t want to seem like the desperate chick so I was like I’ll lay off texting her cause na me don dey initiate. Do you want my friendship as much as I want yours, sis?
It has been more than three months (Happy July!) and she has not texted me back. Not even a “👋 Hey Amanda, how is this inflation killing you?” Nothing. 🥲
E dey pain but I have an ego. A woman knows when she is not wanted.
Let’s not even get into how stressful it is to make male friends as a woman. Actually, let’s.
Bruh!
You have to get through the “I’m not trying to fuck you” hurdle. But do you ever? I ended a friendship with an older male friend early this year after I came to the realization that the friendship was littered with sexual harassment that I had been passing off as that’s just how men and friendships with men usually were. Besides, we were having good and insightful conversations and fun moments. He introduced me to his circle of older, accomplished friends and he was a talented artist.
Err… No.
I have good and insightful conversations with my male friends presently and they do not sexually harass me in the process. No inappropriate jokes that leave the ground fertile for future suggestive behaviors. (Think of those moments when you explained it away as that’s how we joke/talk to each other)
Thank God for the few men in my life that have self-awareness and self-control to not lose guard and try nonsense because this version of me will cut you off quietly or with a storm depending on how crazy you move.
Will that girl ever text me back? I don’t know. If we bump into each other in public, will I perform that high-pitched happy Lagos greeting that I have mastered over the years:
“Heeeeey yooou! It has been a while, it’s so lovely to see you. I hope you are well”
Yes, yes, I will.
Until then, tell me of your friendship-building woes.
Have you been ghosted?
Are you one of those who ghost people that you meet and connect with? If you are, tell me, what’s your problem? 😒
Have you been calling everyone a friend even when they are acquaintances or maybe you fall into the lovers on lovers on lovers cause I have no friends category?
With love,
A
🖤
adult friendships = possibly forever alone
Hi Amanda, I enjoyed reading this.
I do actually consider myself to be lucky because I have several layers of friendships that are categorized based on how close we are. I also do have acquaintances that manage to somehow become friends. I however do not have tips on how to make friends because it honestly comes natural for me, I don’t even try. I do believe that I’m easily lovable and that may have contributed somehow.
Also I think it may have to do with the fact that I socialize a lot, and I like to connect with people based on our shared interest.
I also let people talk about themselves and I pay genuine attention to what they say, when people feel like they’re listened to, they want to talk to you more. I don’t only listen, I ask questions that indicates my interest in whatever it is they’re talking about. What I know for sure is that people have stuff to say, sometimes interesting things/events in their lives so I just want to be their audience.
And when it comes to the subject of contacting them, I first go for the less invasive mediums, say for instance IG, that way I get to see only the side they want the public to see, and we can start communicating gradually from there
I think I’ve had the same friendships for a while and yes, it’s also really hard to make new friends in adulthood. I keep a small circle of close friends but I find that I feel lonely as I get older. It’s almost like your needs for these relationships keep changing.
I was fortunate to have had a partner who was able to be my friend at the same time. When you have that one person that understands you and opens you up to more ways of being loved you start to question your other friendships (especially when that particular relationship ends).
So I think my point is, as we get older our needs change and we realize that some things aren’t enough and that makes it harder to make new friends. When you’re currently unsatisfied with the say things have been done, even meeting or finding new friends is a task. Being an introverted person it’s even harder, sigh.
On being ghosted, I don’t know why it has been normalized😂 it’s cruelty. I just feel like things should be straightforward, that’s respect.