should i join in and "perform rich"?

am i poor? am i broke? is budgeting a sin? does entering danfo make me a sinner?

image from thewalrus

Honestly, this letter should have been delivered to you on Sunday but the level of vulnerability and insecurity thinking about the subject of money brought about, hian, I needed more time to think about how I wanted to write about it.

But before I get into this subject of money, I have one question:

“This sapa no dey touch una?”

I hear people complaining about how expensive things have become but when I open social media, you people are going out, wearing nice outfits, eating at nice restaurants, and travelling.

“Where una dey see this money?!”

From the increasing cost of daily survival to saving up for rent, I find it much more pleasant and financially sane to stay at home and limit my movements but when I see my peers out and about, I must admit, I feel like the broke loser.

Now, those who know me will beg to differ.

“You are not a broke loser, Amanda” I hear them say but as each day goes by I feel a pull that drags me slowly into the space of a low-income earner and my pay is not low-income. Flights are more expensive, fuel is more costly, Chicken republic is ₦900 and a kilo of turkey is ₦3600.

So, how are you guys coping and living your best life in the middle of this global inflation or are you posing for the gram and twirra?

Hm.

Back to money, I recall the first time I felt insecure about my financial status. It started in secondary school. Back then, roasted turkey was ₦80 to ₦100 a piece. My father, an accountant, had drilled into my skull the saying that you spend money on what you need and not what you want. I was given a specific amount of pocket money to get through my lunch break in school and to buy myself a nice snack on the way home - Gala and Superyogo or those plantain chips that were ₦20 at the time. Whatever change was left, I’d save it in my white envelope at home. This meant that I could not afford to buy the roasted turkey and you know what sucked? The girls who could afford it were considered the cool girls or allowed into the cool girls’ crew.

In Ghana, where I studied for my Bachelor’s degree, Nigerians lived in expensive hostels, drove cars and had money to spend on parties, clothes, food, and trips to Accra and Kumasi. Me, I lived in a student hostel until my parents got me an apartment during my second year. I started working as a Master of Ceremonies (M.C.) to make extra cash to support what my parents gave me and to have money of my own. I lived within my means and sometimes, slightly above it but because I could never match up to that lifestyle, I felt small.

Today, I run my own company where I pay my salary and that of several people. I have my own money, I pay my rent, I have my investments, my savings and emergency funds but still, my dear companion, I feel small. Why? Because when I see what my peers can afford, I can’t stop comparing myself to them. I wish I could spend as much as they do on clothes, trips, events, apartments, cars and gifts without having to plan for it.

A few weeks ago, my mother asked for a gift and right before I could finish the sentence, she completed it for me.

Me: I’ll get it for you, I just-

Her:… need to plan for it.

There is nothing wrong with planning but at that moment, I felt small because I did not want to be known as the kid that budgeted for everything. I want to just be dropping cash as soon as my loved ones ask for it.

I realise now as I write that at some point, somewhere in my mind, I began to equate budgeting and financial planning with not having enough. I think that if I were rich, I would not have to think about money, I’ll just spend like my peers seem to be doing. Just be dropping cash, GBAM! for anything and everything. At least, that’s what it looks like they are doing from over here.

I have always been strategic with money and a medium-risk taker. I learned how to make money, to use the money to make more money, to invest, budget, save and spend from my parents and work (My mother was an entrepreneur. An inspirational businesswoman). I grew my company from nothing (truthfully, I had nothing) to 8 figures and it came from practising financial discipline, making strategic business decisions, gaining financial knowledge, budgeting, and living/working within my means so why do I feel so embarrassed that the behaviour that I cultivated from the teenage years that has brought me to where I am is not worth being proud of, practised or respected? Is it because of the sacrifices that come with it? The GBAMS! that I am not able to drop?

Some of the wealthiest people I know swear that living below your means is what makes you rich. I believe them but while I am doing so, I am battling with these questions:

Does budgeting mean I am poor and broke?

Does saying that I cannot afford certain things that my peers easily dole out cash for mean that I am not worthy of acceptance and respect?

Am I the broke friend?

Is there something wrong with splitting the bill?

Does taking a danfo (terribly uncomfortable, by the way) that’ll cost me ₦200 and is economically wise compared to a ₦4500 Bolt ride mean that I am not a happening babe? I remember telling someone recently that I take okadas and they said to me “Why would you do that?” I felt small again but I knew that it was cheaper and quicker to use it to navigate Lagos compared to sitting in traffic and raking up a ₦6000 Bolt fee.

Does my social and professional status determine/define my financial status and self-esteem? When I think of the calibre of clients I work with, I wonder if they think less of me because I don’t have wealth to show off or navigate Lagos with. Maybe they do.

I don’t know but I do know that in my daily life, I am constantly torn between respecting my financial intelligence which has given me all that I have and the hope for more and the pressure to “perform wealth and financial success” in a way that fits in with societal expectations and with what my peers portray.

But, wait, are they even wealthy or are they also caught up with “performing rich”?

Tell me!